Allyship Means Showing Up
Dear Leading Ladies,
We write about human rights every week and suggest actions we can all take, so we didn’t expect to be surprised by what might be said at last week’s Community Conversation at The Cabot about “Making Our Community Safe for Transgender Youth.”
And, yet, we were.
For instance, one of the pieces of advice offered was to show up at PRIDE marches and events – often and in large numbers. We had naively thought PRIDE marches and gatherings were only for the LGBTQ+ community; those of us who are straight, or without LGBTQ+ family members, would be interlopers at these events. Not so. The point was made again and again that the bigots are in the minority but they are an increasingly vocal minority, so the LGBTQ+ community wants the straight community to show up as allies – audibly, visibly, and in large numbers. It’s great to post positive messages on social media, but it’s not enough, we were told.
A film about dads with trans kids
“The Dads,” a new short documentary by award-winning filmmaker Luchinia Fisher, was also screened at the event. Fisher accompanied six dads on a weekend fishing trip to Oklahoma in March of 2022, where the men discussed their experiences as parents of trans kids. Although the men differed racially, politically, generationally, and geographically, they bonded over their love of the outdoors and their children.
They were honest about their sometimes delayed response in accepting – as well as understanding and supporting – what their children were telling them about their gender identity. One father, Trujillo, summed up what he has come to believe: “To put it plainly, believe your children…Believe your children because we as parents have many biases based on our upbringing," he says. "Because we aid our children with so many things in life, we think that we have authority over everything." Ultimately, the men all agreed, it's all about being there for your kids.
The men’s children had all come to their parents at different ages. Some were toddlers, others grade schoolers, and some were even older. Some were designated male at birth and others female. While they shared some commonalities in their journeys, each child was unique. Everyone’s story was different – both the parent’s and the child’s. And, just as Alex Myers told us when he spoke to us last year at The Cabot, it is important to understand the joy that being your true self brings to a trans child!
Mass stats about anti-LGBTQ+ behavior in schools
Vanessa Ford, who co-wrote Calvin with her husband, JR Ford, also spoke. Calvin is about a child who always knew he was a boy even though everyone knew him as a girl. The book follows his transition over summer vacation and as he introduces himself to his friends and school at the start of the new school year. The Fords are nationally-known advocates for LGBTQ+ rights, specifically, rights for transgender youth. Their advocacy and work has been featured in the New York Times, Newsweek, The Boston Globe, The Washington Post, and in “Gender Revolution: A Journey with Katie Couric.” They were both founding members of the Human Rights Campaign’s Parents for Transgender Equality Council. They live with their two children, one of whom is trans, in the Boston area. Vanessa is now completing a book for adults, Educate, Affirm, Include and Interrupt: Creating Spaces Where Transgender Students Thrive, with Rebecca Kling.
Ford threw a lot of facts our way, but the ones that stuck were those about Massachusetts. She warned us not to feel smug about our accepting, liberal state, when it comes to LGBTQ+ kids in schools. According to a 2017 survey by GLSEN, a nationwide organization founded in 1990 to fight discrimination against LGBTQ+ children in grades K–12, the vast majority of LGBTQ+ students in Massachusetts regularly (sometimes, often, or frequently) heard anti-LGBTQ+ remarks (83%). Some also regularly heard school staff make homophobic remarks (10%) and negative remarks about someone’s gender expression (29%). Most LGBTQ+ students in Massachusetts experienced anti-LGBTQ+ victimization at school. They also experienced victimization at school based on religion (19%), disability (25%), and race/ethnicity (19%). One-half never reported the incident to school staff (50%). Only 25% of students who reported incidents said it resulted in effective staff intervention. Many LGBTQ+ students in Massachusetts reported discriminatory policies or practices at their school. Nearly half (45%) experienced at least one form of anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination at school during the past year. Clearly, our LGBTQ+ kids are being victimized every day in their schools.
2017 snapshot of Massachusetts climate for LGBTQ students from survey done by GLSEN
And this is Massachusetts. We took a look at “snapshots” of the other states and our state is definitely among the most supportive and accepting. But, as Vanessa Ford said, that’s hardly anything to feel smug about.
Research indicates that having just one adult who interrupts the negative homophobic or transphobic remarks can have an impact on depression and suicidal thoughts among LGBTQ+ youth, one of the speakers told us. Having several adults who create a positive environment changes the psychological well-being of these kids dramatically. No surprise there. The question is, how do we assure that these staff and faculty are in place?
All schools need to put policies in place and to train faculty and staff each year to assure that old and new employees are up to date with what is required and expected. Students should be told of policies and behavioral standards regarding bullying and name-calling. Traditionally common spaces for bullying, such as locker rooms and student centers, need to be closely monitored, and students need to be encouraged to report unacceptable behavior. Most schools undoubtedly have put policies in place, but the reports of continued bullying and harassment indicate that frequent follow up is needed to assure that the policies are being implemented effectively and universally, so that LGBGTQ+ feel safe and protected in their school communities, among their peers, their teachers, and staff people.
Will this all be enough, when there are so many forces outside of schools that encourage bad actors to mistreat LGBTQ+ people in our community? Two comments at the end of last Wednesday’s event seem worth repeating on that score:
“Counter negativity with kindness,” said one panel member. And, “I just want to be treated like a man,” said another, “not a trans man…just a man.”
We can do that for our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, and our family members, can’t we? And we can show up, too.
Therese (she/her/hers)
Judy (she/her/hers)
Didi (she/her/hers)
Leading Ladies Executive Team
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