He She and All of Us
I’ve just spent a week unplugged. No newspapers or internet; no emails, texts, WhatsApp, or iPhone. No television or radio. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t join an ashram or enter a convent. I took a transatlantic crossing on a ship where only a few people, for a very hefty fee, paid for Wi-Fi.
What did it feel like to be so unconnected? At first, very odd. And, then, a certain calm set in. The compulsion to know every development in the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and in the presidential and legislative campaigns in the United States abated. My constant stress and high alert about the state of the world relaxed. I felt peaceful.
Of course, I knew it was temporary, both because the journey was time-limited and because I couldn’t sustain my disengagement from the real world. But I came away with two lessons. One is that I need breaks from the high intensity of engagement with all that is seriously hazardous in our world today. And the other is that I understand those who are turning off the news on a regular basis as well as the challenge facing the rest of us to keep those people engaged to some degree — at least to the point of voting and donating to candidates who align with their values.
Please enjoy the following reprint of a 2022 letter about Alex Myers, a transgender educator, author, and activist, who spoke two years ago at an event co-produced by Leading Ladies and The Cabot.
Dear Leading Ladies,
“What is Gender? Why Does It Matter?” Alex Myers, author, educator, and transgender activist tackled this subject as he shared his personal story and welcomed questions and comments during the Community Conversation at The Cabot last week. His presentation was so riveting that we decided to share some of the takeaways for those of you who couldn’t make it – and as reminders for those of you who were there.
Growing Up
Myers grew up as a little girl named Alice in rural Maine. From a very young age, when asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Myers would respond, “A boy.” He counts himself lucky that being a tomboy was socially acceptable in the ‘80s, which allowed him to dress in overalls and tee shirts with barely any notice. Even advertisements during his childhood showed girls and boys playing together with non-gender specific toys. At this point, Myers felt different, but safe.
As puberty approached, Myers’ world became more complicated. He still wanted to wear boy's clothes, but didn’t really know who he was or what he wanted. After leaving Maine to attend boarding school, a friend introduced him to an album (well, a tape) of k.d. lang. Myers felt that this was an “aha moment.” lang was a woman dressed as a man and getting away with it. "How did lang do that?" Myers wondered. Maybe the answer was being a lesbian.
So Myers, an athlete who spent many hours at school working out and playing lacrosse, soccer, and hockey, began to identify as a lesbian. But this new identity didn’t feel right either. Then, the summer after junior year, Myers attended a camp for LGBTQ youth and, for the first time, met transgender people. After listening to and speaking with them, he realized that among them was where he belonged.
Transitioning
Myers returned to school in the fall of his senior year as Alex, a boy and the first openly transgender student at Philips Exeter Academy. He then went on to Harvard College, where he was, again, the first openly transgender student. Later, he returned to Phillips Exeter as the first openly transgender faculty member. He is now about to become the head of The Mountain School in Vermont.
Myers is quick to point out that transgender youth clearly suffer dystopia in their journeys, but it is important to also recognize and celebrate the euphoria that comes when they are able to truly become themselves.
He also pointed out that “coming out” is a process that doesn’t just happen once. He continues to have to come out to new faculty and students who arrive on campus and don’t know his history. He is proud of his identity and wants to share it; he also wants people to see that it is possible to be just a boring, regular person with a life, a wife, and a couple of cats. Being transgender is only part of his identity, of who he is, Myers emphasized, a part he wants to share so that people can see how it is woven into the rest of his life.
Before closing to take questions, Myers shared a graphic that he believes best explains the relationships among gender identity, gender expression, attraction, and gender biology. They are related but not the same, he explained. One can identify as male, express oneself as female, be attracted to both male and female, and have female or male genitalia, for example.
Questions Posed
Among the questions asked:
A middle school teacher asked how to handle a situation where some students are purposely using the wrong pronouns for a student who has recently socially transitioned. Myers advised the teacher to speak to the trans student alone and ask if he wanted her to correct the students; to speak to her superior at the school — a department head or assistant principal — to get support in speaking to the students; and to look into what the rules are for harassment and consequences to determine if the behavior has risen to that level.
On the subject of pronouns, Myers continued by saying that we will all make mistakes and it is best not to apologize but rather to acknowledge the error and move on. Better to say something like, “Oops, I got that wrong, I know it’s ‘he’”’ and continue talking. When we apologize, Myers said, it puts the onus on the person to tell us that it’s okay. That puts the responsibility on that person to take care of us, instead of the other way around.
A parent of two transgender teens asked about what schools could be expected to provide. Myers recommended that a school, while acting with good intentions, should not ask a student, “What can we do for you?” when a child comes out. Teens don’t know what they need. Adults, instead, should offer solutions. They can be prepared, for example, with a written plan to tell students such things as, “Did you know we can change your name on our roster? I can send notes to all your teachers to indicate your preferred pronouns.”
A psychotherapist in the audience asked what percentage of transgender people undergo surgical changes. Myers answered that it is a small percentage, since surgery is very expensive and not, therefore, available to many. The public hears about the Hollywood cases of people like Caitlyn Jenner, but they are in the minority. Hormone treatment is more common. After the presentation, Myers shared with an audience member that he takes testosterone but has not had any surgery.
A woman asked about young children and how early one can know if they are transgender. Myers said that young children try on many identities when they are small. They can be a cupcake, a pirate, or anything else one day and that can be as true as true can be for them in that moment. He advises against jumping into changing pronouns too fast for a young child.
One of the most poignant comments came from an almost 80-year-old man who described a difficult reckoning with his sexuality after growing up in a repressive household and community that could never allow him to accept his homosexuality. Now, he has friends who are in transition, and he wants to offer them the love and support he so needed but never received. The audience responded to him with applause.
Thank you, Alex Myers, for bringing us together and expanding our humanity.
Therese (she/her/hers)
Judy (she/her/hers)
Didi (she/her/hers)
Leading Ladies Executive Team
P.S. Alex Myers’ books can be ordered from Copper Dog Books in Beverly (copperdogbooks.com, (978) 969-3460) or from other booksellers. We recommend the novels Revolutionary (Simon & Schuster, 2014) and Continental Divide (University of New Orleans Press, November 2019), and the nonfiction guide, Supporting Transgender Students (University of New Orleans Press 2021).